I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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