I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
