I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
