Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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