I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
