shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
