i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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