This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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