I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
