my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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