It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
