the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
