You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Bring me that man meat
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
