Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
