If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
