I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
