my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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