So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
