Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
