How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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