I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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