At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
