I will die if light touches me.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
