got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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