i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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