woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize