covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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