david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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