I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
