I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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