so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You can't special order awesome
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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