Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
