Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
