paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
