She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize
