stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize