My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
