You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
