he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
