you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
3 2 1 whiskey
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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