I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
