Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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