This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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