She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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