Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
