Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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