We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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