The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
