dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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