just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
