I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
