I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My balls are so social today.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
