Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
His nipple licking is glorious
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