dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I am spending my child support on dildos
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
