The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
