...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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