Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
