he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
