I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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